my mind has been blank for some days now. not thinking, not feeling.
is it a result of late nights working? or is it something else?
all i want now is to go out and enjoy my time..
but it is zapping me of my strength and energy.
i am tired. no, not that kind of tired.
it's the kind where i wanna cross the road so slowly that perhaps someone wont pay attention and run me over. that's it. i wanna be run over.
so that i can go to heaven and enjoy for eternity.
why do people have to be bogged down by feelings and emotions?
why is money so important?
how i wish i could do some kind of radical change in my life.
some unconventional job.
be a full-time netball player/sprinter. join the army. live in africa. be a sculptor. paint-and everything i do will be art.
maybe i wanna be evelyn and drop everything and live my life out of the system.
saying that i miss scss isnt right. causing 'missing' it is not the word.
wishing i could turn back time is nearer to how i feel. like i want to dream forever about the school days. maybe i'm a dreamer and i never knew it.
i take a step back and i realise. have i always been a 'popular' person?
there are some who wanted to join my group. they had to ask!
i never had to ask. or did i plant myself in there anyways? am i a craver? do i crave the attention? i know i do.
but lately, i've been wondering if all this is worth it? i have been to the movies alone once in my entire life. thinking back, it isnt such a bad thing afterall. i might grow to like it.
i imagine evie walking orchard alone. i wanna do that too. but ive always been afraid of being alone. i'm not now.
i dont open up to people. i dont make friends so easily. there is no point when they wont stay.
truth be told, if you consider the inner circles and workings of my mind, my friendship circle makes up of many many layers. but only one matters. and there may be only one person in it. i don't know. don't ask me to explain. back in school, i thought i had 'found' the person i could call my own. my soul friend. but it wasnt to be.
nevertheless, i have one now. don't ask me who. i won't tell.
i cannot tell. because there are people too close to it. and i hate that my friends taint each other. that is a decision i live to regret. it should not have happened. given a chioce, i will take it back, and i will keep her safely tucked beside me.
waiting for another where we can lay beside each other, absorbed in our own world. our own problems. waiting for the day when we're 79, and look back and regret all those times, while living our dying days.
i hope someone can understand what i am saying. but none of you do.
like i said before, it might not seem like its true due to the smiling exterior; but i say it now, and i mean it:
'maybe i'm depressed too'
