they told me, and all i said was 'no comment' and 'i don't know anything'. which is the truth, and it seems like i'm telling myself. assuring myself that this has nothing to do with me.
but somehow, the stabbing feelings remain, and each time, i push it to the back of my mind, knowing that it will resurface again. but also, each time, the hurt will get lesser and lesser, until one day, i dont know it anymore. and one day, it will no longer matter to me.

and one day i will know you no more.

what do you do when someone who's perfect for you is taken away?
and that someone plans a series of letters, to be sent after he dies, to slowly help you overcome your grief and get back on your feet. he knows you like the back of his hand and anticipates your every move.

watched ps i love you. now considered one of my favourite shows. i was sobbing quite pitifully, i must say.
i feel that this storyline, albeit familiar, is actually the most heartwrenching it can ever get, and its the stuff my dreams are made of. i'm not a fan of big shows of love, so i stick to sad sad shows.
actually i didnt know what the show was about, until i read it in a magazine and got out of my chair immediately and ran to check out the availability in the cinema. tadah, in the cinema less than half hour later.

gonna buy the book later. hope its a novel, not one of those cheesy "from movie to book" type translations. cause novels tend to have alot more details that a movie leaves out.

quote
"don't bother asking the rest, she's the only one with the right notion about love."

this is war, and we all love a good battle, don't we?

yesterday we played mj, the very first game, i maxed out and won. thanks dad.
but after that, it was kinda downhill all the way, i lost all my winnings and more. but i kept on playing. er maxed out twice and she was really happy about it. haha. it was finally her night, or so she thought.
at the start of the second round, i was so tired that i was dozing throughout the game, opening my eyes only when i hear someone throwing a tile out. sometimes even missing out what was going on. but i guess no one noticed and the tiles weren't good for my hand anyways. but then, i had no idea why the good hands kept coming.
so good that i kept winning, and i woke up halfway through, cause everyone was grumbling to get the round to end. ah well.

i'm home today cause i got an injured toe. boohoo. someone sat on the chair, that had my toe underneath it. dont ask how. its complicated. haha. it was so funny cause everyone was fawning over me and it didnt hurt that much anyway. blood, yes; deep wound, kinda. kyan and er and the others practically rushed me over to the hospital, where we spent 3 hours waiting and waiting. no fracture, so they bandaged me and i'm hobbling around in case the wound splits open. sounds disgusting eh? i've had worse lah.

no masochistic intent but i think getting cuts and wounds are alright, sometimes the pain is kinda enlivening. makes you feel real, feel alive. ok i should stop before i scare people.

on a more serious topic, i've been having some thoughts swimming in my mind, about people and relationships. i feel that relationships are overrated. even friendships. maybe i'd like to do things on my own for now, having people around me are just bonus, distractions or bonus distractions. see a movie, ice skate, shop, sounds attractive.

i've lost, or am losing people in my life, but who doesnt. it may be just me, or something went wrong with the connection that binds two people. i dont know. but what i know is that you cant take people with you when you're gone, so there's no point harping on the now.

i believe there's something going on, some test on me going on. a new friend, who is a great person, but lead a lifestyle that i shun, but i'm delighted to hang around with. and another, who was everything, adopted the same lifestyle and now i cant bear to face. how ironic yeah? somethings in the air and i hope i figure it out soon.

who is hotter? hayden christensen or rachel bilson?
http://taylorsentertainmentnews.com/index.php/2008/01/08/rachel-bilson-and-hayden-christensen-are-so-cute-together/

love jumper. just wished they'd spend more screen time on the scene where they're crawling in each others' skin. white-hot.

love scruffy guys.

many lives have i affected. many lives will i affect.

spending the day with Jumper today, very good.
i bet kyan will be able to entertain me, just being the way he is.
as long as they dont hit the subject that i'm unconfortable with.


happy val's day to all. the guys in my office not gentleman one lah. no flowers, at least buy me twix chocolate right...
so many bozos carrying flowers around today. male and female alike. gawd.


to the zoo. to the zoo.

every sunday i sit alone
and GOD comes and sits beside me
he asks me 'why so sad?'
and i tell him my story.
'why is living such a difficult task? i need you to help me'
he smiles and says
'i am.'

so i'm hanging on my last thread of willpower bestowed upon me.
why cant i save all those whom i love.


take me away, maybe today, maybe tomorrow.
will i see you again? i certainly hope so my friend.
every night i pray for you. all of you.

does anyone know i am drowning in all the problems lain on me?
there are so many matters of the heart that i cant breathe.

so much so that i've given up. no strings for me please. no attachments.
let me do what i want. let me crouch in a corner, let me laugh out loud.

all i can take. all except your seeming betrayal. to me or to yourself i dont know.
dear GOD, it is my fault. i couldnt prevent this, i couldnt make a difference. there are many nuts to crack. i think you're the hardest of all, but somehow it would seem natural, given the distance, that you're the easiest.

if my friends turned, it wouldnt be so bad. but for you to turn, you're like the back of my hand. i know you so well, yet i dont know you at all. can i say that i knew this was coming? i can say i didnt know, but when it happened, somehow i felt that i knew it. from the first sentence you uttered long long ago. some remarks are hard to miss. this one left an impression. why i say i knew, is because the remark had been burnt into my mind from that day. it never left, but it never nagged.

what am i to do? is this a phase? you are not that. you are not it. you are misled into thinking that. it is not you. you are looking for something that you cant grasp, and i cannot give you. i think i seem aloof to you. too righteous, for your liking, for mine. should i try not to be righteous? am i righteous?

i am dumbfounded, disgusted, turned off, hurt. but most of all, i am disappointed. in you. in myself. and i cant get over it. i dont want to speak to you. i deem you dirty, but i have to save you.

somehow.

GOD put me here to do this. i am sure.

i've been wanting to share this, i really must pen down this dream that i had a few weeks ago..
very amusing..

dream
it was joel's younger sis' bday, yes in my dream, joel has a younger sis, i dunno why..
and jermaine was still in the states, which ever part it is. so i was part of the mass sent invites, and i decided to turn up with a few friends.

before i continue, let me just say i dont know why i brought friends, apparently they dont know the Liao, but they just came along. and by default, the Liao house is super big, as in estate kind of big. and hundreds of people were there.

ok so i was there with my friends, showing them how big and fantastic their house is, and just dreading the moment i'll see him and his bunch of friends, cause i dont speak to them anymore, see. about half hour passed, and in walks this big guy, with a young sibling in tow (dunno which gender, just a young sibling), and he had this egoistic air about him, and i knew what he was thinking, something like 'well, well, let's see who we have here'. some cocky attitude lah.

and when he spotted me and decided to saunter over, i did something that was made up of pure reflex: i threw my glass of drink at him. lol. and of course it missed its mark. so the next thing, i grabbed an ornament on the table that resembled a necklace made of stone, and threw it at him again. this is amusing cause i bet that ornament costs a great big ass of cash. but well, i dunno if i managed to hit him, the dream ended there. all i know i woke up bewildered, but somewhat relieved.

great. cant wait for part II.