does anyone know i am drowning in all the problems lain on me?
there are so many matters of the heart that i cant breathe.

so much so that i've given up. no strings for me please. no attachments.
let me do what i want. let me crouch in a corner, let me laugh out loud.

all i can take. all except your seeming betrayal. to me or to yourself i dont know.
dear GOD, it is my fault. i couldnt prevent this, i couldnt make a difference. there are many nuts to crack. i think you're the hardest of all, but somehow it would seem natural, given the distance, that you're the easiest.

if my friends turned, it wouldnt be so bad. but for you to turn, you're like the back of my hand. i know you so well, yet i dont know you at all. can i say that i knew this was coming? i can say i didnt know, but when it happened, somehow i felt that i knew it. from the first sentence you uttered long long ago. some remarks are hard to miss. this one left an impression. why i say i knew, is because the remark had been burnt into my mind from that day. it never left, but it never nagged.

what am i to do? is this a phase? you are not that. you are not it. you are misled into thinking that. it is not you. you are looking for something that you cant grasp, and i cannot give you. i think i seem aloof to you. too righteous, for your liking, for mine. should i try not to be righteous? am i righteous?

i am dumbfounded, disgusted, turned off, hurt. but most of all, i am disappointed. in you. in myself. and i cant get over it. i dont want to speak to you. i deem you dirty, but i have to save you.

somehow.

GOD put me here to do this. i am sure.