Written on Day Three, 16 April 2009, Thursday late at night

I havent had a proper night's sleep since the fourteenth, neither did thomas. Peanut keeps mewing at night, often looking lonely and bored. We know he knows his brother is gone. The first night i was so tired i fell asleep after a while, but my mind woke up numerous times throughout the night, each time thinking and missing Panda. The next night my eyes stung cause it was so dry and puffy. Today here i am today, unable to sleep at 2am.

It's hard walking into Thomas' house and not seeing my kitty there. Peanut sits alone on the living room floor. I keep imagining Panda right along there with him, sprawled on the floor like he always does, lying at his favourite spot on kitchen floor cloth. Even opening the fridge makes me want to peer at the top to see if he's looking back down. Peanut sits alone at Panda's favourite spots.

Since yesterday we've been letting Peanut remain in Thomas' room. It seems he's started sniffing around a lot. Wanting to look into cupboards, probably trying to find his brother. Our heart aches for him. We accompany him to sleep on the bed. He's used to having some body warmth and cant be left alone. We tried putting him back in the balcony but he wouldnt stop crying out. I realised he just wanted some activities cause he's used to having a playmate, so we brought him downstairs to wander.

when he wouldnt return home, we tried to make him and he ended up wandering close to the spot where Panda died. I couldnt bear to let him near it. I couldnt bear to go near it. Thomas, who has been immensely depressed walked over to the spot and stared, spacing out. He's been sighing a lot everyday. it's not healthy and i dont know if i can handle his lack of self-help much longer. we need to move on, we need to try hard. I dont think ive been allowed to sufficiently grieve cause since day two ive had to put on a brave face for both our sake, especially his. He needs consoling, so i keep my sadness locked in.

Thomas' mom blames herself for asking his dad to come home early to bring Panda down for a walk...Thomas' dad blames himself for leaving his beer session early cause there was a guy there he didnt want to hang out with...Thomas blames himself for not going to work on that day due to sickness so his dad did not pick him up and got home earlier than usual. I wonder where do i fit in...

I shed a couple of tears tonight but it's ok. I just miss him, that's all.